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The Job Interview
Steve, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new manager.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve did not appreciate his candor and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well you have no ears". Steve got upset again and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart, he was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: Do you notice anything different about me? And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes, you wear contact lenses." Steve was shocked, and said, " What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" 

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears! "


THE LION TAMER

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up.
One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip,  and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owners mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life", He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?" The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."


Yet Another Little Johnny Joke

At one point during a game, the coach Coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
Little Johnny nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
Again Little Johnny nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Johnny nodded yes.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

Washing Troubles

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.
When it comes back, there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, "Please use more soap on panties."This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.  "Please use more soap on panties."Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "Please use more paper on arse."


Its definitely a guy thing!

(Sorry girls)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.  It should be opened by the time she brings it.

 
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
 
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me .  .  ."
 
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.  There is a clock on the oven.
 
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
 
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.  He'll shut up once you let him in.
 
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
 
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
 
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
 
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
 
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
 
Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
 
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.  Then God created Man and rested.  Then God created Woman.  Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
 
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
 
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
 
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
 
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing:
You can have mine."
 
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
 
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Yet Another Blonde Joke

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is
going to jump."
The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money.
I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde.
"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it
again."

What is the definition of Confidence?

When your wife/girlfriend catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say,  "You're next"!!!

*****************************************************************************

PADDY & MICK

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss.
They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place
when they find themselves outside the bus depot.
Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus son, so we can  drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing.
Eventually Paddy sticks his head  around the door and sees Mick running from
bus to bus and looking very worried.
"What the bleedin' hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!"  To which Mick
replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon  Paddy, holding
his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You fooking idiot Mick, steal a
number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".


A Little Johnny Classic!

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, 

"Son, you know, eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied,  "Yeah, well my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man replies, "Oh I see, well I bet your grandfather didn't eat 6 candy bars at a time did he?"

Little Johnny answered, "Actually no he didn't,  but  he minded his own fucking business!

An Ill Wind


A bloke's wife goes missing on a skindiving expedition.  He spends a
terrible night wondering what could have happened.  Next morning there's a
knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of pretty miserable
policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. 

The Sarge says " Mate we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and some really good news." "Well," says the bloke "you'd better let me have it , both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge says "I'm really sorry pal but your wife is dead. Young Bill here
found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.  He got
a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." 

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn.  After a
few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. 

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there was quite a few really good
sized crays and a swag of legal blue swimmers in and around her wetsuit, so
we've brought you your share."  And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez, thanks," the bloke says, "They're bloody beaut, I guess it's an ill
wind and all that. Now what's the really good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here go off duty at around 11
O'Clock and we reckon we'll shoot over there and pull her up again."

Page Top


Roosters

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.  The young new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK you old fart, time to piss off out of it".

The old rooster replies, 

"Come on sport, you can't handle ALL these chickens on your own, look what it's done to me. How about you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, 

"Piss off you useless old boiler, you've had it and I'm taking over the whole lot around here!"

The old rooster says grinning,

"I'll tell you what ya young smartarse, how 'bout I race you around the farmhouse, and who ever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, 

"Sure, you know you don't stand a chance old cock, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start. "

So the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young  rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting  on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his  shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.    

The farmer sadly shakes his head, 

"Ah bugger it,...third gay  rooster I bought this month."

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Frog Joke:

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Rarebit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit.9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replys "Rrribbitt. Lucky frog." 

Ribbitt

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Rrribbitt. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!  Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. 

By the end  of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Rrribbitt. Las Vegas." 

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,  "Rrribbitt Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Rrribbitt. $3000, black 6." Now,  this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the hell. 

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.  You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Rrribbitt, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a drop dead gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."


The Horse and the Midget

George the farmer owns a horse stud and gets a call from his good mate Bill, "G'day George" says Bill," I've got a bloke over here who wants to buy a horse". "Yeah, no worries mate" says George "Send 'im right over ok". "Yeah" says Bill "By the way, he's a midget and he's got a fair speech impediment ok" "Yeah, righteo" George replies. The midget duly arrives and says "I wonna by a horth". "No worries mate, male or female"? replies George. "Femaleth" replies the midget, so George shows him one. "Nith lookinth horth" says the midget "Can I thee her mowth"? George reluctantly picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth, "Nith mowth, now can I thee her eyeth"? George picks up the midget again and the midget says "Nith eyeth thoo" Just as George puts the midget down the midget says "how bouth her earth" Now George is usually a patient man but he's getting a bit pissed off at this stage and reluctantly pics up the midget. "Nith earth, lathleeth, can yooth thow me her twath"? And with that George picks up the midget and shoves his head right up the horses vagina, holds him there for a minute and then lets him go. "Perhapth I thood rephrathe thath" replies the spluttering midget" Can I thee her WUN AWOUNDTH!


41 Points to ponder

For those of you who like to think laterally, here are a few brainteasers.....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequilas,,,, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algiebra?
28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
32. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "arseteroids"?
36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
38. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
39. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
41. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?


Pissed Irishmen

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could
buy him a drink.  "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have
another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are pissed
again."

 


The Australian Way............


Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his old Holden ute when he
sees his girlfriend Sheila, just about to throw herself off the bridge into
the water far below.

Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts "G'day Sheila! What the hell do
you think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce - You
got me pregnant & so now I'm gunna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this & says 

"Sheila, not only are you a great root, but you're a real good sport."


A few pearls of wisdom on Marriage:

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

2. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt.

3. Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffer ring.

4. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

5. In the beginning, God created earth and rested.  Then God created man and rested.  Then God created woman.  Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

6. Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.

7. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."  She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

8. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

9. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her"?  Dad: "That happens in every country son".

10. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified:   "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

12. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"   Second guy: "You're lucky mate, mine's still alive."

13. How do most men define marriage?  An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

14. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

15. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

16. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

17. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"  And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

And remember; 

Marriage is the number one cause of divorce!  

It's TRUE!
Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE AN AUSTRALIAN CHILD OF THE 70s & 80s IF......

You remember Hector the Road Safety Cat sing: "look to the right, look to the left, and look to the right again; then if the road is clear of
traffic, walk straight across the road, DONT RUN!, walk straight across the road"

You remember the Ma-na-ma-na song - done by the MUPPETS.

20c worth of mixed lollies could last you hours...and 50c, well only older kids could afford that much.

Icypoles were 5c and paddle pops were 20 c

A peg and an old footy card stategically placed on the rear wheel of a bike was ssooo cool. Only Spokey Dokeys came close to the peg and the card.

Sunnyboys and Poppers were your staple school diet

You decided against rushing out and buying a CD player because you objected to the fact that you were being forced to change your collection.

Picture this...after your nightly bath, in dressing gown, uggh boots or moccasins, bean bag, Milo, dumadumadumaduma-COUNTDOWN!!

Summers were long and hot

Coke adds life!

Fanta tasted like Fanta should

There was Tang and Tab

Hey Hey Hey, it's Fat Albert...

You wondered how the Coke girls and boys got inside that big clear beach ball.

You remember the advent of AIDS, Ecstasy etc etc

You remember spending the whole day at the beach with no sunblock at
all... whats more, you didn't get burnt - much

You wore a leather band around your wrist and believed that any boy/girl that broke it, you had to sleep with them.

Basketball was only played by Americans

Dunlop Volleys were a viable option

Sneakers in general were sneakers and not more advanced than your fridge

'Doctor Who' scared you silly

You remember the FIRST space invaders (someone in your street had an Atari right?)

You queued up to see The Village People Movie

You kind of felt a bit of a thing for Jeannie and Samantha...or better yet, Tabitha

You saw Grease and ET at the movies

You went to a Drive-in with your parents...in your pyjamas

You had a $50 walkman that had FAT headphones and chewed tapes after the first three days

Matchbox cars or Barbies were essential to your development

You had cardboard dolls (or your sisters did) that came with books of paper clothes that you tore out and stuck on the doll

The kid with the pool was your best friend...until someone got an INGROUND pool, wow!

The only place you could get a pizza was pizza hut, and it was expensive!

You put those special chip packets in the oven to make those SHRINKIES

You played dress-ups in your parents funky clothes that you would kill to get your hands on now

You had a Commodore-64 that took an hour to load each game

Floppy disks were ACTUALLY floppy

You actually went through at least one pair of thongs a year because you wore them so much

You remember when the first people in your street got a video machine, it was top loading and there was no such thing as a remote control

Beta v's VHS wars

You remember a few years later they developed a remote control- but it was attached by a cord to the video that was always too short to operate
it from the lounge anyway.

Fags were called fags and nobody batted an eyelid when 8 year olds walked down the street with a lolly cigarette hanging out their mouth

Tommy Lee was known to you only for his musical abilities, not the ones shown in the video with Pammy Lee.

You weren't old enough to go to Aliens

Oh Micky you're so fine...Hey Mickey...........

I love rock and roll, so put another dime in the jukebox baby...

Pac Man was the biggest child marketing craze, that made more sense then Pokemon...and still does.


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