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In this section we will be including some funnies, silly pictures & videos, jokes etc and we invite you to send us some stuff. These pages will be regularly updated to keep the material fresh.

The rules for submission are very simple. 

If you have any clever stuff you would like to be included then please send the stuff along. Make sure that the stuff is not porn. There are thousands of sites dedicated to porn, and if that's what you want to see then you're in the wrong pages. If you send that type of crap to us it will simply be deleted and your e-mail will be ignored forever.

Last Edited 09/06/2006

Note: The funnies page does contain some material and language that may offend some of you! If you are easily offended or under 18 years of age don't look and if you do look then stiff shit OK! You were warned.

Foolish images are grouped in Funnies 1.

More older funnies and jokes in Funnies 2.

To submit any funnies Click Here

Any attachments containing any executable type of files will be executed straight into the bin.

This little selection of Q's & A's are some of my personal favourites and are guaranteed to offend at least some!

A couple was sitting up waiting for their 15 year old son to come home froma social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on is face.

"Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"

His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room.

The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till pay-day to get it".

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway.

My ASS is too sore...


A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

 Barman says: "No."

 Duck says: "Got any bread?"
 Barman says: "No."

 Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

 Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."

 Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread,
 ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a fucking
bird!"

 Duck says: "Got any nails?"

 Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?


Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia
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Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The housework, if she knows what's fuckenwell good for her
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Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
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Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
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Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fuckingwell listen.
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Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea
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Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
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Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.
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Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you fuck her sister.
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Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her.
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Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.
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Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
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Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of the throat at thirty miles an hour.
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Q. Why do women call PMS PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
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Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
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Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
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Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
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Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.
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Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same Day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
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Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
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Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
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Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
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Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Now, on a more serious note! 

I Really Hate:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is, where the fuck is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are quite willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this?
Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?"
No cockhead, I paid money to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"
Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is "New and Improved"!
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.
If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short."
What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!!
What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?"
If the bus came would I be still standing here, Cockhead?

Two old ladies were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat when a
flasher approached from across the park.

He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat,
exposing himself.

One of the ladies immediately had a stroke.

The other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far...

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.  Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.He told them allto piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said tiredly, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fuckingwell didn't!

New Age Rhymes

Not quite as I remember them.......


Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt that was split right up the front and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her..............
well, she didn't wear that one very often

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her knickers all tattered and torn, It wasn't the spider that sat down beside her,
But Little Boy Blue with the horn.


Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon, Pies, you dickhead.


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*#k him, He's only an egg.


Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse and turned it's wool to nylon.


Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.


Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.


Pop Stars Night Out

Elton John, Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue went out for a night in London town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie
slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and
lifted up her skirt and gave her a good rogering.
"Its your turn now, Elton" grinned Robbie but Elton started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Elton? What's wrong?" 
Elton sobbed "I can't get my head between the railings!"


Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down   the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf"
The wolf got up and ran away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf"
Again, the wolf gives her a strange look, jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, and this time he is crouched behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf".
At this the wolf jumps up and screams" Listen Riding Hood, will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!


Toe Bonk

A man fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up
and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe
sticking out.
A nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up,
she pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe.
She humped away until she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.
The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what
happened.
The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it.
He went to the Doctor and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis
of the big toe.
"Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."
The doc said "Yes, but if you think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning
with athlete's twat.


OUCH!

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon and instead of going home he squandered the weekend (and his pay cheque) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours nagging and berating, she asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"
"That would just suit me fine", the bloke said.  Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by>with the same result. On Thursday the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


One For The Single Girls...........................

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

A bar of soap

1 toothbrush and1 tube of toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk 

1 apple

1 banana

1 orange 

1 peach

1 plum

1 tomato

1 lettuce

1 cabbage

1 potato

1 museli bar 

1 pie 

 box of cereal 

1 frozen dinner 

1 single frozen pizza

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says "Single huh?" 

 The girl blushes, smiles sheepishly and replies, "How did you guess?" 

 He says, "'Coz you're fucken ugly"


Be Careful Of What You Ask Kids!

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no
baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words, she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my
Nana." "No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
The teacher said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's
WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride
and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Assholes!  Click Here to find out how to deal with them!!

The Latest Darwin Awards!

This year's Darwin awards! It's that time again . . . . . They are  finally out again. You all  know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual  honour given to the person who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing  themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. 

Last year's winner was the  fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he  was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. 

Click Here for more of this kind of stupidity!


Dinner Conversation
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: Eventually, that would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit.....


Hey Dad!

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Would I? I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."


Not 'Till We're Married

A couple and have been dating for quite some time. He really wanted  her  bad, but she won't sleep with him because she was saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he was getting hot, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel."
 She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage." They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."
 She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."
 So he put his hand down her panties and copped a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asked, "Can't we please?"
 Naturally she said, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."
 He begged, "Please, please?" and she said, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."
 He tried, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?" She said,
 "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."
 He begged and pleaded with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that." She finally gave in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."
 He agreed, pulled down her panties and put the tip in... by now he just couldn't control himself, shoved the whole thing in and started going
 to town.
 Meanwhile, she was moaning and groaning and shouted, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT IN ALL THE WAY!"

 A little stunned, he said, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"

 

Tarzan

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was very physically attracted to him. During her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for s.e.x.
"Tarzan not know s.e.x." he replied.
Jane gently explained to him what s.e.x. was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but don't worry, will show you
how to do it properly."


She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here," she
said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan check for squirrels"!


The Monkey

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he
grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey did?!"
The guy says "No what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the guy "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and
monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."


Liar!

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me  prove it?"
The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill.
Blushing he says, "I'm flattered, nobody has ever paid me for my services before."
To this the woman says, "Well don't be, take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"

One For The Girls!

During a recent publicity outing, Mary-Lee sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.   

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Mary-Lee stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She flipped her grey locks back and took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

 

 

 

Funny Sound Files:

This file contain some language and other stuff that may offend some of you so if you have thin skin don't listen!

Click Here

And listen to a really pissed off computer user!

 

 

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